Tom: Well, that’s the most promising intro you’ve written in a while.
Tim: Yep, she’s moved on from the dull stuff, and has finally gone back to producing the disco sound that made everyone fall in love with her in the first place.
Tom: The pendulum tends to swing back and forth: artist experiments for a bit, artist tries to please the long-term fans, and so on, and so on. Admittedly there are a few things that you wouldn’t have heard on early Gaga ten years ago here, like all those chopped-up vocal samples in the chorus, but — and I’m surprised to say this — I think it works.
Tim: The sound we now have again is FUN, it is LOUD, and it is EXCITING as far as whichever album might be coming out in the next few months or so.
Just a shame the song itself isn’t all that notable, really.
Tom: I mean, it’s still better than “meh”. By my standards, that’s practically a ringing endorsement.
“If there’s no other water-cooler moment, at least there was the mad woman singing about James Corden.”
Tim: You’re thinking ‘no, it can’t be, can it?’, but yes, yes it is. This Melodifestivalen entry, which finished in last place in last Saturday’s heat, is indeed a tribute to the feature on James Corden’s American TV show.
Tom: I’m going to hate literally everything about this, aren’t I?
Tim: Yes, yes you are.
Tom: Good heavens, at least it was in last place. I genuinely couldn’t finish it.
Tim: Basic message: “I’m feeling a bit down right now, but I don’t want to go shopping, or partying, or to a spa. Nope, what will really cheers me up is driving around in a car with James, singing very loudly, even if we get stopped by the police.” I don’t know why, I really don’t.
Tom: It does, at least, give people something to talk about: if there’s no other water-cooler moment, at least there was the mad woman singing about James Corden.
Tim: True, and it’s not like there are no good things about it: it’s creative, it’s bonkers, it stands out in an otherwise not remotely exciting heat, and it has a table being turned into a car by one person holding up a steering wheel and another person holding two normal wheels.
Tom: I’d say I regretted leaving the video before then, but honestly, I don’t. It’s a heck of a list.
Tim: Nothing there really does it any justice, though, and to be honest I’m not really sure what would. I know we generally have at least one song that’s a bit weird most years – but this? This is just bizarre.
“They’ve got a green-screen and they’re not afraid to use it.”
Tim: There is a moment not far into this lyric video which made me let out one single yelp of laughter. Press play and don’t read ahead until you’ve got to it, spoilers and all that.
Tom: They’ve got a green-screen and they’re not afraid to use it. They should be, but they’re not.
Tim: Now, we’ve said before how fun it is that Germany provides a market for ageing men to keep putting out bangers well into their dotage, but seeing this (with knowing nothing about them beforehand) does make me wonder if we should, at some point, just take their hands and say “okay, hun, okay. You’re done now.”
Tom: Perhaps, but then we’d miss out on moments like this.
Tim: Because, oh that’s not a good look – two old guys (69 & 71, since you’re probably wondering) singing slightly creepily over an Alice Deejay-esque dance beat, one of them strumming an acoustic guitar (why exactly?) and the other vaguely moving his arms in time to the music.
Tom: I can tell you why: because they’ve been going for fifty years. They were quite different back then, and with those trumpets you can hear why they went with “Amigos”. The album title translates as “50 Years: Our Hits From Back Then”, and it’s a remix album. The original (which is as recent as 2010) sounds much more like you’d expect, complete with default mock-pass synth pads and what sounds a lot like a default Casio beat behind it.
Tim: Part of me’s impressed, mind, as it seems actual Germany is all for it: for the past decade they’ve had one new album out every year, and every year it’s gone to number one.
Tom: That’s because purchasing an album, in this decade, is something done either for or by older folks. This is, to be fair, quite impressive.
Tim: True, I guess, but another part of me still just thinks: oh, no.
‘“I would die for you” is best not expressed as “if we have completely recklessly screwed up, I’ll let you watch me die first in exchange for you having a couple more minutes of terror”.’
Tim: ALRIGHT THEN so all us British Eurovision fans got a bit excited at the weekend because it was announced that our entry this year would be announced on Radio 1 and Radio 2 at the same time, which is pretty much the first time in decades that Radio 1 had played any serious attention to Eurovision.
Tom: Yep. This was properly exciting. Did we finally have another Katrina?
Tim: Was the question on everyone’s lips – with that and the knowledge that the BBC had binned off public selection and teamed up with BMG to find an entrant, naturally the rumour mill went into overdrive: Lewis Capaldi’s name was thrown around, some had heard John Newman, some saying John Newman’s brother. Aaaand, it’s the last one of those. Press play.
Tom: I’ll level with you, I had to Google who John Newman was, let alone his brother. I think I remember him? Sort of?
Tim: Fair’s fair, describing him as ‘John Newman’s brother’ is a massive disservice, given that he’s a very successful songwriter, having written songs that have won Brit awards and been nominated for Grammys, so let’s not do that.
Tom: Didn’t bring it for this one though, did he? Bottom quarter of the table, easily, probably bottom four.
Tim: Oh, wow, see I was going to go for: it’s an alright track, really.
Tom: Is it though? The melody’s forgettable and the chorus lyrics are cringeworthy. Divers / find-us isn’t a great rhyme to base an entire hook on, and if you are going to make your entire chorus an extended saviour metaphor, you’d better make sure it stands up to at least some scrutiny.
Tim: Well, sure, but–
Tom: To be clear, I’m not asking for realistic song lyrics! It’s just that “I would die for you” is best not expressed as “if we have completely recklessly screwed up, I’ll let you watch me die first in exchange for you having a couple more minutes of terror”. That’s not pedantry, that’s a surface reading. And the entire song hangs on that!
Tim: Hmm. Okay, well, you may have a point there, so let’s move on elsewhere, swiftly. At just two and a half minutes it’s short even by Eurovision standards – we’re done with the first chorus by the one minute mark and it never really changes pace.
Tom: Right. It’s not interesting enough, or catchy enough, or— anything enough. Out of all the world of pop music, this is what they got? Is no-one reputable even going near British Eurovision entries any more?
Tim: AWARD-WINNING, Tom. AWARD-WINNING. Mind you, I can’t disagree with you with the style of it, which is far too close to last year’s fairly tedious winner for starters – but at least it’s not electroswing (though apparently that’s really big right now?).
Tom: Controversial opinion: I honestly think “Still In Love With You” is better than this — perhaps with the exception of that appalling middle eight they had. At least it tried to do something. There was a world where they went slightly less weird with it and it worked; I just can’t see anything that could save this new one.
Tim: Oh, I DON’T KNOW, I really don’t. I’m not excited by it, sadly, but, as I say pretty much every year, I guess it could do alright?
Tom: Yes, absolutely, I 100% remember him, I definitely did not just click that link and find I had zero recollection of anything in it.
Tim: On the other hand, the style here is entirely different so it hardly matters either way.
Tim: Compared to last time’s mellow melancholy this is quite the change – defiant, powerful and upbeat, getting going with a fair amount of oomph right off bat, and it’s not long before the chorus comes along and carries it up more.
Tom: It is a bit ‘Strong Enough’, though, isn’t it? I suppose if you’re using ‘I am whatever enough’ in a chorus, there are only so many ways you can arrange it.
You’re not wrong, though, it is a cracking chorus.
Tim: There’s a lot of good stuff in here, really – the various backing vocals all work nicely, the drop out of the instrumentation on the way back in from the middle eight is an old trick but a good one.
Tom: I was going to point that out: some of the clichés still work.
Tim: And those are some great long notes he’s hitting at the end there. All in all, not a bad piece of work.
Tom: Maybe I’ll remember it this time. Or maybe I’ll just remember Cher.
“Decent enough dance track hitting many of the right notes, and giving a shout out to Belgium.”
Tom: We are in a bit of a dearth of good new music, but DJ Fresh is — usually — at least “half-decent”.
Tim: True, and true. This time?
Tim: Belgium?!
Tom: Takes a while to get there, doesn’t it? There’s a lot of promise in that verse, but it doesn’t seem to quite convert into a good chorus, or into anything that’d make that build worth it.
Tim: Well, there’s always the sense that yes, this could be a bit more so, but it does at least have a memorable melody to it – or it’s just been repeated so often in three and a half minutes that I’ve no option but to remember it.
Tom: I was about to click away about a minute in, but there was something about those processed vocals at the end of the first part of chorus that got me to stick around.
Tim: I think it sounds okay: decent enough dance track hitting many of the right notes, and giving a shout out to Belgium. Why wouldn’t you?
Tom: My opinion on DJ Fresh continues: it’s at least half-decent. And in a February with this little good music, I’ll take that.
“Right now, we’ve pretty much a complete and total lack of boybands.”
Tim: So I know this song’s been out a few weeks now, but, well, I want to chat. Press play.
Tim: See, right now, we’ve pretty much a complete and total lack of boybands. That’s not definitively a bad thing, but none of the various hiatuses seem to be coming to an end, Westlife are touring this summer but giving no indication of any new music happening, the new 5SOS track is rubbish and, well, I like a good boyband track, you know? And The 1975, until now, have entirely not fitted the mould.
Tom: I kept seeing this in my recommendations on YouTube, and yet I don’t watch it, because it’s the 1975. I know what they sound like. And this… is not what I expected.
Tim: You look them up on Wikipedia, they’re ‘pop rock’ or ‘alternative rock’; they’re front and centre on Radio 1’s playlist; they do their own instruments and everything. This, though – well, I woke up the other morning and I thought “why are Radio 1 playing a new Busted track?” Because let’s face it, that’s what this is.
Tom: Hmm. There’s certainly a bit of that, but it’s not all the way there. The vocal mix here is so muddy: I have to assume that’s deliberate, because no competent pop producer would ever put out something like this, where it sounds a bit like he’s singing into a cardboard box. It’s like if Busted took some downers and weren’t quite as catchy.
Tim: I don’t know if they’d be happy or not with the comparison, but melodically, vocally, stylistically, this has Busted written all over it. And given that actual Busted haven’t given us anything since last year’s reunion album Half Way There, I’ll absolutely take this.
Tim: Tactical Nuclear Penguin was the name of a beer made by BrewDog, that in 2009 briefly held the record for the world’s strongest beer. In 2010, this Italian band got together and thought ‘yep, that sounds like a good name for a band’, and now ten years later here they are, coming third in Sanremo 2020.
Tom: With a song named after a Beatle. They’re strong on the pop culture references, then?
Tim: Oh, we’re just getting started. Here’s the music video; unembeddable performance is here.
Tom: I did not expect to like that so much. And full marks to RAI for providing an orchestra to play along with them.
Tim: Nice, isn’t it? You’ll be pleased (and probably not surprised) to know that they have never really taken themselves too seriously; the lyrics here have references to The Lion King, Toto’s Africa, Batman & Robin and the Italian version of The Chase. As for the message, the singer’s basically going on about how crap he is compared to everyone else; main chorus line translates to “in a world of John and Pauls, I am Ringo Starr”, which seems a bit harsh, though now I think about it I’m not sure who comes off worst.
Tim: Peace and love, Tom, peace and love, all around really as this is a fairly enjoyable track.
Tom: There are several elements here I recognise: there’s the “whoa-oh, oh-oh, oh-oh” millennial whoop straight out of Good Time, and I swear I know that opening guitar riff from somewhere, too. That single line from the chorus is repeated far too much, but I’ve got to admit it is a good line.
Tim: My biggest fault with it is that it gets a bit closer to shouting than singing on occasion, but that’s not entirely a bad thing. All in all, a worthy third place.
“It has no business whatsoever being quite as upbeat and happy as it is, really.”
Tim: He’s Norwegian, as is she and the song; lyrics are basically “the relationship was shit, but now it’s over I’m just bored, shall we get back together?”
Tom: A lovely upbeat message, then.
Tim: And with that message, it has no business whatsoever being quite as upbeat and happy as it is, really.
Tom: Mmf. It’s okay, I guess, but I can’t remember a single bit of it once it’s finished. It just sort of flowed in the background, never really raising any problems, but never standing out either.
Tim: I’m not complaining, mind, as I’ll typically take a happy sounding song over a mopey one, and in any case I’m saving my complaints for that ridiculous gap in the video and the even more ridiculous choice of hairstyle he’s gone with.
Tom: That is a ridiculous gap in the video. I feel it’d be hypocritical for me to talk about his hair.
Tim: Since neither of those are actually present in the song itself, though, I’m fairly happy with it. Nice one.
Tim: This song’s an interesting one – it starts out not doing much, but then 37 seconds in we’re suddenly ooh, building up to something, and then the something happens, and it’s not actually all that much, but are we still building up, because it feels like there might be something, and then does that count, maybe, not really sure, and then oh no we’re back with the verse and not much happened but it was enjoyable enough.
Tom: Yep, that was an underwhelming chorus.
Tim: And actually, I think that sums up the whole song for me: not much happened but it was enjoyable enough.
Tom: Full marks in the middle eight for dropping in two English words, one of which was an f-bomb, though. I checked the lyrics, and yes, that’s the only English in the song.
