Andrew Mann – Here I Am

This is proper lighters-in-the-air stuff and it’ll get votes.

Tim: This guy’s taking this thing seriously – it was up on iTunes within hours of being unveiled on the radio, and there’s an official video and everything.

Tom: And yet, he still doesn’t stand a chance against Jedward.

Tim: The obvious thing about this is the very military snare drum in the background, which wouldn’t be a bad thing, if there was something else to draw attention from it. There’s the piano, sure, and the guitars –

Tom: — wait, isn’t that —

Tim: Yes, before you interrupt me, I have just described a full backing orchestration, but if you’ll let me continue – it’s the drums that stand out. The piano’s only audible in the quiet bits, when the drums are there as well, and the heavy guitars, rather than taking this back towards friendly happy music, only make it seem more serious, more soldier-like, and overall less fun.

Tom: See, I’d use some different words there: “anthemic” and “emotional”. That second line of the chorus, with the rising chords, is just beautiful. I can see this doing very well – maybe not top of the table, but this is proper lighters-in-the-air stuff and it’ll get votes.

Tim: Oh, probably. It’s listenable, sure, and it’s a decent song – just, did you have to choose that backing?

Tom: I’m glad he did. Compress that much emotion into that space of time, and I think you’ve got a decent chance.

Donna McCaul – Mercy

“This song surprised me. You’ll see why.”

Tom: All right, we’ve got three days left before we have the Friday Jedward Punchline. What’ve you got from Ireland today?

Tim: You keep saying that, and now I’m thinking I’d like to punch them on Friday. But anyway, this song surprised me. You’ll see why.

Tim: Yes. The key change. Because this is a song I can, without too much difficulty, imagine coming out of the mouth of Rihanna, Nicki Minaj, Ke$ha, that lot. And those people don’t do key changes – they’re not right for a song, they’re outdated, they’re only there to spice up an otherwise dull ending. But here, despite coming at exactly the right moment in a Eurovision song, it’s so unexpected that it’s absolutely brilliant.

Tom: Something I can’t believe I’m saying: it’s a modern Eurovision song coming from west of the North Sea. Which means it won’t stand a chance in the Irish public vote, but it’s not bad at all.

Tim: As for the rest of it? The rap breakdown in the middle is odd – not musically (see previous Nicki Minaj comparison), but certainly Eurovisionally (or at least, stereotypically Eurovisionally – maybe this whole week will be about challenging preconceived ideas).

Tom: Rap breakdowns don’t generally do well in Eurovision, but I reckon this stands a good chance because of Ke$ha and her ilk paving the way first.

Tim: I think you’re right there. It certainly fits well in the song, and while this is one of my least favourites of the bunch it’s still a decent tune, very poppy and, as you say, very likely to do at least fairly well if it makes it to Baku.

Tom: Right – this could play well in Europe, and – for Ireland – that’s what the public should be voting on.

Maria McCool – Mistaken

Starts out like it’s just stepped off a boat from Rivendell.

Tim: This year, like last year, Ireland has five songs in its shortlist for Eurovision. This year, unlike last year, they’re all rather good, and several are excellent. They’re being decided this Friday, so let’s take them one at a time.

Tom: Hold on. There’s one particular song in there that I’m worried about. Are you just leading up to a Jedward Friday Punchline?

Tim: They’re scheduled fifth, yes, but until then, let’s start with number one:

Tim: Starts out like it’s just stepped off a boat from Rivendell, but quickly cheers up a bit. Maintains that Celtic folky feel throughout – sounds properly old-school Irish, a bit like what you’d hear if you were to imagine a leprechaun school disco.

Tom: No, I think you’ll find that this is exactly that. It seems to be the Irish equivalent of a Bollywood disco. (Side note: how compressed is that music? The melody drops out every time there’s a bass kick!)

Tim: Perhaps the compression algorithm rewards those who put effort into the music; one of the cheapest dance tracks of the past decade doesn’t really stand a chance. (Still must confess to liking it, though.)

Anyway, I do realise that I may have just insulted an entire nation and its long and distinguished history, with that first sentence, but it’s meant in a good way, I promise.

Tom: Mm. Let’s move on quickly.

Tim: Well you see, I don’t know much about what Ireland’s currently producing musically, but as far as I’m concerned, Eurovision should be about a country and its music coming together, and if this is it, then bring it on.

Tom: So for each of these songs, I’m judging them on a different criterion than usual: are they likely to win Eurovision? And my verdict for this is: no. No it’s not. Middle to bottom of the table, not likely to get through the semi-final, I reckon. And is it really Irish music coming together?

Tim: That’s the thing – and if all this does is help perpetuate, via people like me, an old and out-dated stereotype that Ireland is full of little green men with bells on their hats and shoes, always going on about pots o’ gold, it’s probably best left at home, far away from Azerbaijan.

Tom: Especially if they want to score points.

Saturday Reject: Gyurcsik Tibor – Back in Place

The music started. He sang. I cringed.

Tim: This chap, fresh out of last year’s X Faktor Hungary, came top in his semi-final but didn’t even place in the actual final, which is a shame, I think.

Tom: The music started. He sang. I cringed.

Tim: It gets straight in there with no messing around – this is an upbeat pop song song that quite clearly knows what it’s doing, and it does it fairly well.

Tom: See, until that first chorus, I’d have described it as ‘downbeat’, and I’m not sure that chorus rescues it.

Tim: Really? Huh. There are a few issues, though – it seems to get a bit bored after the key change, not really knowing where to go next, but it’s fine staying where it is. It needs a better ending, as well – it’s either got to be more drawn out or more abrupt, because the length it is just doesn’t do it for me.

Tom: Heh. That’s what she said. Anyway, none of this song really “does it for me” – and I think that’s down to the singer.

Tim: Yes, and he’s the biggest problem for me as well, actually, because good as he is I can’t quite shake the feeling that he’s singing a little bit above his comfort zone. He’s bang on with all the notes, but the somewhat strained middle eight, along with the occasional more comfortable deep note near the beginning, just gives me the impression he’ll be reaching for a glass of water once this is done.

Tom: Yep, exactly. It’s like how I need a glass of water after listening to Tom Waits; my throat just closes in sympathy.

Tim: I’ve mentioned a lot of negative points here – overall, though, they are somewhat minor ones and easily fixed, and they don’t take away from the fact that I think this is a really good song. Like I said, upbeat pop that knows what it’s doing.

Tom: I couldn’t agree less.

Darin – Nobody Knows

It’s good. It’s very good.

Tim: Every Darin track we (or certainly I) review will inevitably be compared to Lovekiller – it was big, it was exciting, it was fantastic, and it was actually pretty much the track that inspired the creation of this blog. So how does the lead single off his new album compare?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6l9efZUVNKA

Tim: Hmm. It’s good. It’s very good. It’s more ravey than previously material, and it has a very similar ‘crank it up to seventeen right from the start’ vibe to it.

Tom: It cranks it up just late enough for it to count as some kind of ‘drop’ – but what a brilliant drop it is. I wish there was a bit more low-frequency bass oomph in there, but perhaps that’s just YouTube compression.

Tim: That first chorus is a closing section all in itself. But – and this is a fairly big but – this gets bored. It does a standard ‘drop down to very little’ in the middle eight, and comes back as it was.

Tom: See, I think you’re being too harsh on it. It’s not on maximum all the way through – you’ve missed at least the first verse, which is even quieter than the middle eight. It is, in short, bloody marvellous.

Tim: You’re right – I’m being unreasonably negative.

Tom: Yes you are.

Tim: If I knew nothing about Darin, or it was a different artist, I’d think: this is brilliant. The second half is as normal, with a quiet middle eight and big close, but the first half is amazingly better that it’s expected to be. And that is what this review should be, because this is a great song. It’s just – I can’t help but compare the two, and that annoys me.

Tom: This track makes me want to dance like an idiot. That’s about the highest praise I can give it.

Cher Lloyd feat. Astro – Want U Back

Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tom: Last time we didn’t like one of her tracks, Cher Lloyd’s Twitter army – the group of superfans that constantly check Twitter for mentions of her – noticed and decided to insult us back.

Well, brace yourself, Tim, ‘cos this is…

Tom: …huh. Not terrible, but bloody hell does it annoy me.

Tim: I tell you what annoys me – the apparent loathing she has for words that begin ‘yo’.

Tom: What, like U and Ur Hand?

Tim: Exactly like that. I didn’t mention it last time because I know it’s me being a pedantic arse, but really? It would be okay if it was remotely justified, but it seems more like ‘No, I just want to do my spelling with as few letters as possible.’ OK, Cher, 2 cn play @ that game.

Tom: Oh dear. Anyway, an instrumental version of this would be lovely, because everything in the background – even the bleep-bloop video-game synths – is excellent. But the frustrated noises? The repetitive vocals? The bits where she starts talking like she’s trying to be Nicki Minaj? The oh-so-cutesy video ending? They need to go. All of them.

Tim: If she wnts him bak, y iz she brakin his bak by scruing up his sk8bord trik? & hu wears 3D glasses lik that ne more?

Tom: …I’m not actually going to bother to read that.

Tim: Seriously? Do you know how hard it is typing like that? And you skip straight past it?

Tom: It wasn’t a conscious decision. My eyes just kind of skipped past it. Anyway, just so you know: Astro is younger than Justin Bieber.

Tim: I’ve got to be honest – I never found Justin Bieber all that annoying. His fans, sure, but not the guy himself.

Tom: Agreed – the kid’s got talent, as does Astro. It’s more of a realisation that he’s only just over half my age.

Tim: Well, I said I didn’t find Justin annoying – this Ascending Star™, as the video seems to want us to call him? Man, I want to punch him, with his stupidly over-sized peak on his cap.

Tom: I think the lesson here is that Cher Lloyd tracks are brilliant, apart from Cher Lloyd.

Tim: Oh, see now it’s the end of the review and so I probably ought to say something about the track, and the horrible thing is: I quite like it. Not the stupid rapping bit (is it rapping, or is he just throwing a tantrum?), but the rest of it I think is quite catchy, poppy and enjoyable. And now I hate myself. Thanks Tom. Thanks a lot.

Pearl Fiction – Run

I’m half expecting massive Phil Collins noisegated drums to appear half way through.

Tim: Solo guy, used to be the lead singer of Swedish band Zeigeist. And, um, if you’re out in public you might want to skip the first forty seconds or so.

Tom: Hmm. I’m in an airport lounge at the minute. I’ll load it in a background tab, and then quickly click over to see if… WHOA OKAY yep I’ll take your advice.

Tim: This, I’ll give about, ooh, 67%.

Tom: Precise.

Tim: Allow me to justify. We have points given for the chorus being nice and upbeat, with a lovely hook and all that. At the end of the second listen, I am loving singing along to it.

Tom: It sounds like any number of 80s bands, doesn’t it, with the restrained synths and all. I’m half expecting massive Phil Collins noisegated drums to appear half way through, like In The Air Tonight. Gorgeous chorus.

Tim: It really is. But then we have points taken away for the fact that part of the reason the chorus is upbeat is that the rest of it’s somewhat dreary, although not so much that I want to switch it off, so not too many points. I would prefer the song with just the choruses, though, so that is why I choose to give it – actually, you know what? Let’s make it 68%.

Tom: In an attempt to hold off your precision, I’m going to give a “hmm”. It’s one of those positive, appreciative hmms, though.*

*I’m hoping that anyone reading this just made a similar noise to work out what it sounded like.

Tim: Well, I did. It sounded about right.

Matt Cardle – Amazing

Ah, Credibility Cardle. What’s he up to?

Tim: Ah, Credibility Cardle. What’s he up to?

Tom: He’s still going, and probably still a bit annoyed that Olly Murs is doing so well.

Tom: But I’d like to revise my opinion of Matt Cardle: if you file him under what the radio stations refer to as “adult contemporary” rather than “pop”, then he’s absolutely brilliant. He’s not aiming for Radio 1; he’s aiming for Radio 2. You can tell by the nice, probably meaningful, slow video.

Tim: Hmm. If I were you I’d get rid of ‘nice’ and replace it with ‘boring’. Look at me, I’m playing a guitar. I’m not an X Factor winner – I’m a Credible Rock Musician. And just to show how deep and emotional my songs probably are, because people really aren’t going to be able to listen to my lyrics without slipping into a coma, let’s have some people crying for no good reason.

Tom: I think you’re confusing “different” with “bad” there.

Tim: Absolutely not – I’m a Serious Music Reviewer, and I do not confuse those things (much). What I am doing is allowing my personal dislike for Matt Cardle’s attitude to interfere with my discussion of this track. And that is something I am PERFECTLY ENTITLED TO DO.

Tom: It’s a textbook Radio 2 track. It’s great. It’s an anthemic, slowly building, guitar-and-everything track that makes me smile. It’s the kind of thing that Almighty Records will remix.

Tim: Speaking of which, who wants a Christina Perri cover?

Tom: Ooh, good post hijack. Bit of a weird intro, but it picks up fast. A quick warning to readers, though: the video attached to that track is just a scantily-clad arse, so do watch out if you’re at work.

Anyway. In other words, Cardle’s being a bit like Snow Patrol. Probably a bit too much like Snow Patrol, actually.

Still good, though.

Tim: Oh, it’s alright, I suppose. And exactly what an ‘I HATE X FACTOR but actually I owe everything I have to it but I HATE IT’ X Factor winner should aim to come out with.

Hej Matematik – Livet i Plastik

This doesn’t sound anything like Aqua.

Tim: Fancy a new Aqua track?

Tom: Always.

Tim: Tough, because this doesn’t sound anything like Aqua.

Tom: Oh.

Tim: This band, though, is fronted by one member, backing singer Søren Rasted, and his nephew.

Tom: Well, it works for LMFAO.

Tim: But that’s not all: in what is possibly—alright, certainly—a throwback to a career highlight, the track is called, yes, ‘Life in Plastic’

Tom: That’s not a promising start.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zsUJ5RyY6ng

Tim: Also, you may have noticed the chorus rhymes plastic with fantastic, though sadly my Danish isn’t up to translating the rest of the line from his singing. But let’s move on from his overwhelming nostalgia and let’s discuss the song: it’s a bit odd, for me.

Tom: The unexpected gun-to-the-head in the video isn’t exactly normal and sane, either.

Tim: Well, that is true. And the thing is, I like it, pretty much, though I’m not entirely sure why. Because what it really does is remind me of Skrillex (don’t click that link), who is to dubstep what the Spanish flu was to infectious diseases, and to me about as appealing.

Tom: Have you subscribed to the Simile of the Month club or something? That one was excellent.

Tim: Oh, thank you very much. But that in turn reminds me of the fact that Radio 1 have, for god only knows what reason, decided to fall in love with Skrillex and other ‘new music’* and so play that all the time instead of what people actually like.

* ‘New music’ being their term for ‘music we’re trying to make popular so our Sound of 2012 list isn’t quite so laughable this time around’.

Tom: Well, Skrillex is rather well liked. Be careful, Tim: you’re approaching a “damn kids, get off my lawn” moment.

Tim: I am entirely aware of that, and am trying very hard not to get there. In moderation, I’m very happy with it – just not so much, so often. And actually, is he well liked, or are we just told he’s liked? Because last time I checked, his songs weren’t exactly flying off the servers. (Yes, that’s not the best way of measuring popularity these days, but still.)

Aaaaaanyway, that’s a moan for another time, but my main point is that despite all that, and despite the fact that the two Rasteds are not so much singing as speaking aggressively, I quite like this song. Why is that?

Tom: Damned if I know, I can’t stand it.

Saturday Reject: Ditte Marie – Overflow

From Dansk Melodi Grand Prix, we’re left with precisely one to discuss.

Tim: Last year, Dansk Melodi Grand Prix was so good we devoted a whole week to it. This year, they can be split roughly into two groups: five that were utter cack, and five middling to good ones. Of those five, one got disqualified, one won the contest and two others have had their performance videos pulled off YouTube. All of that goes together and leaves us with precisely one to discuss. This one, to be precise.

Tom: On a side note: YouTube voting wouldn’t be too bad a metric for Eurovision success. It’s difficult to game, because you need a working Google Account in order to get it working – and there’s a dislike button, too. I should do some maths about that. Not right now, though. Let’s discuss this song.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Byw4YIteilA

Tim: And it’s not a bad one to discuss. It’s not amazing, but it does have some excellent long notes, with a particularly long one being followed up by a not-too overstated key change, some nice up-and-down synth bits under the verses, and a couple of rather long legs.

Tom: I can confirm that I noticed all of those things.

Tim: That figures. The big screen at the back is also used well (and in time with the beat, which is a bonus), and the drummers keep themselves to themselves so there’s no distraction there. Really, I can see only two reasons for her not getting through: firstly, you NEVER break from the song to chat to the audience. You only need to look at Jimi Constantine to see where that can lead. What’s he done since then? NOTHING, that’s what.

Tom: I checked that allegation with Wikipedia, and I pronounce it “probably correct”.

Tim: Oh, please, I’m always correct. And secondly, voters clearly don’t like product placement. In the first and last chorus, the second line is clearly ‘baby you’re my one and only remedy’. But in the second chorus, I’d swear she’s singing ‘baby you’re my one and only Benylin’, and that’s just not on.

Tom: Well, she does seem a bit chesty. HIYOOOOO.*

*Sorry.