Mainstream – Page 62

The United – Stay Young

Shall we have a multinational boy band?

Tim: Shall we have a multinational boy band?

Tim: You’ve complained in the past that I don’t do my research; I’ve just sat through a mind-numbingly dull introductory video to bring you this, so I hope you appreciate it. We have here Mike (UK, 22, with blond highlights), Step (Italy, 21, with the weird sideways fringe), Gabriel (Sweden, 21, the blond one with the earstud,) Manuel (Germany, 22, with the chest tattoo) and Teus (Netherlands, 19, with the Jedward hair).

Tom: Blimey, they are properly international. Hence “The United”, I assume. How’d they get assembled?

Tim: They’re mostly alumni of various Popstars/Idol shows, and “met” (i.e. were put together) in Oslo in October 2011 and have become great friends. What a heartwarming tale of the ages. They have, naturally, gathered an army of young female fans despite doing nothing other than a few YouTube covers, but now they’re hoping to hit the big time.

In a world were the Banna-band can get into the top 40, that’s probably not all that hard. Number 32, to be more precise. I can just picture Duncan struggling out of 40 different HMVs with every single copy they stocked.

Tom: Remember, it’s not a bad track; number 32 sounds about right for it.

Tim: ANYWAY, tedious mini-biographies aside, the music. I like it, partly because it’s a decent enough tune, but also because for some reason no other boybands right now are doing dance pop like this – it’s all guitars and drums, in the eternal and pathetic quest to be ‘authentic’. The management behind this lot have decided that there’s a hole in the market, and they’re quite right.

Tom: I’m not sure this is quite the right thing to fill it, though: it’s… well, it’s a bit generic, isn’t it? I’m not sure I could hum that chorus even after listening to it a dozen times.

Tim: You might be right, but we can at least say that these guys have potential. They don’t have much competition in the genre, so they might be able to get away with a duff debut, and you’re right, there are issues – for starters, it’s nothing that a male soloist couldn’t perform on his own, as outside the last twenty seconds they don’t even have any decent harmonies going on.

However a male soloist couldn’t attract a legion of fan Twitter accounts (I’ll never understand those). Let’s appreciate what we’ve got – a decent enough boyband who are doing something different, fairly competently. I’m happy.

Chlöe Howl – I Wish I Could Tell You

“A bit like Hurts if Lily Allen was their vocalist”

Tom: You know how many movie pitches are meant to be one-line combinations of existing movies? “Die Hard on an airplane with the President”, for example. Well, how does “a bit like Hurts if Lily Allen was their vocalist” sound to you?

Tim: Interesting, and intriguing.

Tom: Now, you’re probably going to complain that this is a bit overlong – and perhaps it is – but I think if that percussion had kicked in earlier it wouldn’t have had quite the effect it did.

Tim: I won’t complain that it’s too long; I will say that if it’s that long it does need to get going at some point. I disagree about kicking in earlier – as far as I’m concerned, 2:45 is way, way too for a drop to hit, even if the track had been slowly building up to it since the start. And if we’re keeping it that late, it really should be worth it, and it wasn’t.

Tom: For whatever reason, I was able to stick with the simple, slow version of the track for long enough that the steady build surprised me: and while it’s not going to be a dance track any time soon, it’s a pretty good piece of melancholy pop along the same lines as Hurts.

Tim: There, I think you’re doing them a great disservice. I don’t want to say this is boring, because it isn’t, but it just, and I’m aware I’m repeating myself, takes too long to do anything. A bit louder, speed up the first ninety seconds, maybe even two minutes, and you might be approaching that level, but as it is, it just strikes me as a bit tedious.

Tom: She has more uptempo tracks on the EP too, and they’re not bad too – particularly the percussion-heavy chorus – but this is the one that’s stuck in my head.

Tim: Ah, now that track, I like a lot. This one, though, no way.

Blue – Hurt Lovers

“Crikey, that’s actually a really good track.”

Tim: I don’t quite know how I missed this, to be honest, but at the beginning of the year Blue released a new album (admittedly, only in Germany), and this was the lead single.

Tom: Blimey. That’s surprising – after Eurovision, I thought they’d gone back to doing student gigs. How’d it do?

Tim: It went top 10 in aforementioned Germany, so next month it’s being released over here. Hurrah!

Tom: Crikey, that’s actually a really good track. Anthony Costa is increasingly slipping into looking like a stereotypical mob gangster, though. (Side note: Duncan James has a surprisingly entertaining sideline in reading out questions on rollercoasters these days.)

Tim: Quick video note: that was was made for the single as a soundtrack to the German film Schlussmacher; last Friday’s video for the British release is, erm, not available to view in Britain.

Tom: They copyright-blocked their own video. Well done there.

Tim: Still, the song, and as ballads go it’s pretty good one. Fairly hefty instrumentation, and while the verses are of the type don’t really serve as much more than lead-ins to the chorus, it’s a damn good chorus, once everything’s got going. A calm start, followed by a very repeatable hook, sort of Bleeding Love-style, and I think it works very well. I like it a lot.

Tom: Agreed. This isn’t just a “keep it going, lads” track – this could have been released by Blue at their height, and it’d have gone to number one.

Tim: Yes. Ten years on, though, and I suppose if it gets enough airplay, I can still see this fairly doing well. As far as airplay goes, though, my prediction is this: Radio 1 will decree it’s not relevant, Radio 2 might stick it on their B-list, and commercial stations will probably give it the same amount of priority, maybe a tad higher. On release you’re probably looking at the lower end of the top 20. Not bad, I guess.

Tom: It’s better than the student gigs.

Suede – It Starts And Ends With You

A really good bit of old-school pop-rock.

Tom: Someone came up to me the other day and said “You should be the third most popular Britpop band.” I said no. They insisted. I said no again. But they kept pestering me, and eventually I was Suede.

Tim: Okay, I’m done here. Don’t worry, I’ll shut the door on my way out.

Tim: Oh. Oh actually, I might hang around.

Tom: Lead single off the new reunion album. And my leaving bad puns aside, this is actually a really good bit of old-school pop-rock – complete with repeat until fade at the end.

Tim: That, I cannot disagree with. It’s an agreeable track, and one I can certainly see myself listening to if I’m in a Britpop mood, when that occasion comes around once a month or so.

Tom: The fans will like it, Radio 2 will probably like it, and while I doubt they’re going to get back to the chart heights of the 90s – pop has moved on – I reckon that there might just not be an exodus for the bar when they announce at their gigs that they’re playing “the new single”.

Tim: And given that that’s probably the best that any comeback/reunion track could aim for, I think they’ve done well.

The Saturdays feat. Sean Paul – What About Us

“Sean Paul has apparently arrived straight from a Peter Andre song.”

Tom: Unusually, this song and video are available in two versions: and I suspect you’ll prefer the version that completely excludes Sean Paul. We’re not talking about that version because, frankly, it’s a bit boring.

Tim: Hmm – I’d normally say yes to any absence of rappers, but the middle eight there could do with some livening up.

Tim: Oh, it’s not just the middle eight he limits himself to. Crikey.

Tom: Because what we have here is a generic synth-backed Saturdays pop song. Generic video with dancing and arty filters. Generic melody that I can’t remember at all. Generic lyrics about sex that parents of their younger fans won’t notice. And then… then there’s Sean Paul.

Tim: Hmm. He does at least avoid the school register vibe that Flo Rida provided.

Tom: I’d forgotten how good that track was. It’s everything that this should be – even Flo Rida. Sean Paul, meanwhile, has apparently arrived straight from a Peter Andre track.

Tim: Hahahaha, he has and all.

Tom: Now, if you’ve got a bassy Jamiacan accent, someone applies a bit of reverb to it, and you’re interjecting into a dance track, you’re going to sound like that guy from ‘Mysterious Girl’. Was that the effect they were going for, I wonder? Because once you stop thinking of it as an irritating interjection, and instead a throwback to 1995 and the only thing that makes the song vaguely interesting, it’s not all that bad.

Tim: It does make it somewhat entertaining.

Tom: It’s no Mysterious Girl though.

Robbie Williams – Be A Boy

“This feels more like it should be an album track.”

Tom: Sound the ROBBIE KLAXON. And the “FEELS A BIT LIKE COLDPLAY” KLAXON. And, oddly, the SAXOPHONE KLAXON. Look, basically just sound all the klaxons, OK?

Tim: Does that include the JEDWARD AT MELODIFESTIVALEN KLAXON? Because that’s a good one to sound.

Tom: I say that the Saxophone Klaxon is odd because Robbie Williams is quoted as saying “If you ever put a saxophone solo on one of my tracks, I will kill you”.

Tim: That was a while back, though, and since then he’s put out an album of swing covers – I think we’re safe to assume his tastes are somewhat fluid.

Tom: It’s out as a single, but to be honest this feels more like it should be an album track. I think I’ve worked out what feels odd about it: Robbie’s vocals – and they are good vocals – are buried in the mix behind a wall of sound that doesn’t really add anything.

Tim: Yes, you could be right. It’s decent enough, although I should confess to think “Christ, is it still going?” when then were still ninety seconds to play. Not really a single, though since I’ve not heard the album I can’t compare to the rest of them.

Tom: There’s nothing obviously wrong with it… it just sounds like an album track that the fans would appreciate rather than a Big Robbie Single. But perhaps our expectations are just too high.

Pitbull feat. Christina Aguilera – Feel This Moment

Eurodance.

Tom: I know, I know, it’s Pitbull. It’s going to be awful.

Tim: Hmm. The thing is, and bear in mind we all know how much I loathe the term ‘guilty pleasure’: Don’t Stop The Party does come bloody close for me. It’s a terrible piece of music, and the rapping’s awful, but when the chorus comes on I can’t stop myself, well, having a good time. I’M SORRY.

Tom: But it looks like this’ll be the next single, and I mention it for a few reasons.

First: this sounds pretty close to old-school Eurodance, and considering it’s a massive American track, that’s pretty rare.

And second: everything apart from Pitbull is absolutely amazing.

Tim: Hmm. Definitely just Don’t Stop The Party.

Tom: Seriously, isn’t that brilliant? Put a club edit out without Pitbull, and that’d be one of the Eurodance tracks of the year for me.

Tim: You’re not far wrong – it is pretty good, largely because it sticks to a tried and tested formula.

Tom: Sample a well-known 80s track, add a whole new melody on top of it, get a fantastic vocalist to perform it, and then make it a PROPER BANGING CHOON.

Tim: Exactly – get all those steps right, and you’ve likely got a hit on your hands.

Tom: For crying out loud, there’s even a subtle 8-bit breakdown after the last vocal line.

It’s just a pity about Pitbull, really.

Tim: Yes. Yes, it really is.

Little Boots – Motorway

If I say this starts out sounding a lot like Hurts…

Tom: First track from the new album. Yep, an actual album – she’s been all about EPs and singles since 2009.

If I say this starts out sounding a lot like Hurts, I worry that you’ll get your expectations too high. But it does, and that’s really good.

Tim: Hmm. It’s…nice. I suppose that’s a good thing, but I’m coming to this review having listened to that Demi Lovato track on repeat for roughly nineteen and a half billion times*, so I’m not sure I’m in the best mood to appreciate it.

* Apparently that equates to about 131 millennia, which sounds about right.

Tom: Crikey, you’re really not. That’s like trying to appreciate, say, Blade Runner after watching all the Die Hard movies back to back.

Tim: It is enjoyable though – I can certainly tell that much from the fact that I wasn’t bored by it even though it’s five minutes long.

Tom: Now, it probably goes on a verse or so too long; the bit in the middle drags more than it really should, and perhaps the last chorus could have a bit more to it. Or perhaps that’s the point: it’s not meant to be end on an oomph, it’s meant to be like, well, driving down a motorway. Either way, it’s bloody good.

Tim: Bloody good sums it up quite well. Though, alas, not quite ‘just pure amazingness’. DEMI!

Tom: There’s one technical point I’d like to make: have a look at the waveform for the track on the SoundCloud page. It’s not dialled to 100% all the time, not dynamically compressed to within an inch of its life. It’s got a bit of calm in it – and that’s a rare thing in pop these days.

Tim: ATTAA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAACK.

Demi Lovato – Heart Attack

Three and a half minutes of just pure amazingness.

Tim: This is almost entirely amazing.

Tim: I say ‘almost entirely’, and I think we can all identify the one thing that’s pretty bad.

Tom: True, but then Demi Lovato is not the kind of artist you’d expect a key change from. Sadly.

Tim: Oh, well I don’t actually mind the lack of key change – the extraordinary “AT-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAYY-AAAAAAH” is more than enough for me. My issue was the line “I can play him like a Kindle”, but since I’ve just realised it’s “Ken doll” instead, I have no problems with the track whatsoever.

Tom: Ha. I heard the same thing, although I worked it out a bit quicker than you apparently did.

Tim: The whole thing seems to be three and a half minutes of just pure amazingness. GROO-OOH-OOH-OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOW. SHOO-OOH-OOH-OOOOO-OOOO-OOOOW. ATTAA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAACK. FLAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAA-AAMES. AT-AAAAAAA-AAAAAAYY-AAAAAAH. ATTAA-AA-AA-AAAAAAAA-AAAAA-AAAACK.

What else is there to say?

Tom: Not much, which is probably for the best after you’ve belted all that out.

Tim: Don’t pretend you don’t want to join in.

One Direction – One Way or Another

“Is the Comic Relief single any good?”

Tom: I had an extended metaphor about how this single’s been leaking more than their fans, but I thought I’d probably just leave that punchline there and never mention it again.

So, we’ve mentioned in the past that bad charity singles shouldn’t be spared a mauling because they’re “for charity”. And let’s face it: this could be four minutes of One Direction belching into a microphone and the fans would still buy it. So given that low bar: is the Comic Relief single any good?

Tom: Well… it’s OK. It’s a competent if unnecessary Blondie cover, but it’s probably a good idea not to try unreliable original material on something that’s raising money for charity.

Tim: It is… exactly how I’d expect a One Direction cover of Blondie to sound. Still their usual sound, but a bit heavier on the guitars.

Tom: What gets me is the bizarre switch to Teenage Kicks half way through. I’m all for live mashups – I once saw Smash Up Derby live, and they were really very good – but just chucking in one line from it as a middle eight seems odd.

Tim: It’s odd, yes, but it livens it up a bit – decent as it is, and despite being less than three minutes long, I can imagine it starting to get a bit repetitive if that wasn’t there. The video is, obviously, your standard charity appeal song video – lots of shots in Africa, a “we’re saving money” message, and a woefully cringeworthy appearance from some politician.

Tom: To be fair, I did giggle at the first appearance – it’s the kind of understated cameo that works really well. And then he came back.

But never mind that: it’s probably the surest bet for number one since Elton John dusted off “Candle in the Wind”.

Tim: Well, I don’t really know what to say to that. But you’re not wrong.